Thursday, 31 March 2011

My Wife?

Has anyone seen my wife? She is currently somewhere in the world except not at my place. I last saw her on Tuesday evening before she went out to buy some smokes and whiskey. I don't know what to expect. See my wife Diva is quite the partier. She used to hang out with some guys that were into street racing (I think the one guys name is Ratzo; they used to date). She was selling meth and racing cars at the time to pay for her root canal. Sometimes she did both at the same time. You know how fucking hard it is to race a car and lead a meth transaction? Well my Diva can do it and she would be drunk off her knickers too. Like I said, she can party and does it often. She won't take me out though even when I ask...I don't usually mind though, it gives me a chance to comb Larry David. Sometimes we play a game where he runs around with a little hat and I chase him. And sometimes it doesn't work and he gets pissed and chases me. It's absolutely terrifying and I damn near shit my pants every time.

Anyways, so back to my wife. If she is dead from the whiskey and cruising into a pole, I'm sure I would have heard of it by now. There must be more to this. I see that she has a blog now too but I'm not sure if that's really her - The person has a picture of my wife in a gorgeous bathtub pose, but I have a feeling most people know her and have her picture. A lot of truckers and old men honk at us. So yeah if it's really her, she's hurt my feelings and there is only so much Larry will put up with. I have a dark love for revenge so keep that in mind people!! Don't even ask what I did to my neighbor after he called the ASPCA on me. I can be very gangster if the need arises.

Not sure if I should tell the guys at work. Moron Steven would probably say something and I would probably completely ignore him as usual. I nod, lock eyes for 30 seconds without blinking once and then turn away and back to him every 5 seconds or so, agree and disagree, occasionally throw out a statement but just repeat what he said; yet overall I pretend to listen. It's just a waste of everyone's time.

I would love for you guys to keep an eye out for my princess. Her favorite places to visit are rest stops. She says that they bring her an inner peace and enhance her meditation sessions. She also enjoys reading the graffiti in the mens bathroom. Such a love for art. So sweet :]

Luscious Larry

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

My wife: Diva Madonna

My wife is a mystery to me. Since the day I met her I have only had small glimpses into her world. This is okay though because she is the most voluptuous babe ever born in Nebraska (her home state). Oh wow, now I'm feeling nostalgic. Let me share the story of our marriage.

I met Diva Madonna outside of an Arby's truck stop. She was sitting on a milk crate having a few smokes. Her beauty was so blinding that I had to put on my sunglasses as I approached her with caution. Okay to be honest I just wanted to hide the scratch below my eye from my pet raccoon, Agustus. To save you trouble, raccoons do not like peanut butter and belly rubs :(
So my beautiful Diva and I started chatting about milk crates and how they all look the same (who makes them?) and before you know it I was slipping her some bills and giving her a ride back to my place. True love!

We got married 16 days later. Yes, I took a chance but it's hard to find a female that will share the bed with your  pet raccoon and squirrel. She's such a kind soul, cares so much for nature. I do suspect that she's either a stripper or prostitute. She tells me that she has government connections and the Arby's job was a cover up, but I still suspect.

What do we have in common? Nothing at all, but that doesn't stop love.

Steven from work was super jealous when he saw a picture of my Diva. He was so jealous that he couldn't stop laughing. People laugh at you when they're jealous right?

Diva Madonna is making meat loaves for dinner (my favorite!). Guess who's getting laid tonight?!?! Not me...meat loaf gives me gas :(


Monday, 28 March 2011

Larry says hello

Today at work Steven told me that his fish did some back flips and barrel rolls in his new fish tank. I told him that his fish are in a liquid medium and cannot do flips. He thinks I'm just jealous, but I'm not. I have a radical pet squirrel named Larry David and he's a big hit with the, lady. Not all is perfect though; Larry David has some issues and he shows this by screeching and screaming at me. It's both terrifying and ridiculously cute. He's also starting to bald a bit (as am ass used to be a soft carpet) from the anxiety. But regardless of Larry's issues, we're great pals. You would be amazed how much fun a squirrel is. And the best part is that once he passes on I get a free meal!

I overheard some of the guys at work calling me a snake and they stare me down now. I guess someone saw me slithering around the cubes last week :(